Halleynet Headspace

Your on an Easyjet flight. You’re waiting in the departure lounge. Suddenly there is an announcement, could Mr Bloggs travelling to Edinburgh on EZY426 come to gate 7.

Why then do about 100 others get up and start queuing at the gate? What possible advantage do they think they are going to get. I’ve seen them there 15 minutes before the flight is called. Everyone has a ticket with a boarding group ( Actually Easyjet’s entire boarding palavar just makes me sooo annoyed. I honestly can’t beleive this is better than giving everyone allocated seats. More later- I digress) , the groups used to be A,B,C and D but now I notice its A and B only. They have allowed for the first group now being “passengers who purchased ezy boarding”.

Easy Boarding!- what a bunch of muppets. Do you know I priced this for some flights I have to take with the family later in the the year-and it would have cost an extra £30 on the total cost of flights which were £130. Thats a cool 23% mark up – for what- so you can stand at the front of a queue- and queue longer! Half the time they use a bus to board the plane anyway so speedy boarding gets you precisely no where!

Anyway back to the queue- so you have 100 people crowding like a rugby scrum in front of the gate and then they say could people travelling with young children or needing more time please come to the gate. Next time I see a couple of middle aged adults with young Johnny (age 14 and 6 foot 7 tall) go to the front …. and get on, I am going to go tot he front too. When they question me about why I have pushed through I will let them know I am travelling with a virtual young child- just like Johnny’s Mum and Dad cos there is no way he qualifies!

The “infirm” too- I have no problem with old codgers who have to walk slow or can’t manage the stairs very well going up first but half of them that I see have just completed the veterans class in the London Marathon and are using their age as a VIP pass! Pay for Ezy Boarding you old buggerz!.

Then the moment comes- passengers with boarding group A please come to the gate- Half of the back of the queue surges forward because the knobs at the front are all in other boarding groups- but they are not allowed on yet. So now you have people who are allowed on trying to read other people who are in the queues boarding cards to see if they can overtake to get to the front- their now rightful place. I watched a fat lady stand at the front of the queue for a good 20 minutes the other day and she was to be one of the last to board. SIT DOWN YOU STUPID FAT BAG!

Finally the final part of the scrum ensues- everyone else comes forward. and proceed to get through the gate. Of course this is when high farce sets in, because the plane isn’t actually ready for boarding yet, or there is no bus to get you there. So everyone is simply queueing up outside.

You get to the front and they ask you for your ID. Now what exactly is this about? I fly all the time and the only people who do this are SqueezyJet. Why? I have a boarding card- LET ME ON! And now they ask you again between the gate door and the plane- usually there is some ground handling agent hiding between a couple of baggage trolleys carrying a Jobsworth clipboard, and they jump oit and ask you again. Its sooo annoying because you have usually just put it away so you are organised for tackling the final part of this pantomime- getting a seat!

So you get onto the plane, up the steps- more boarding pass chaos, and into the aisle of the plane.

Now practically everyone with EzyBoarding has grabbed a window seat, though theres usually loads left if your bothered. Everyone else who hasn’t got a window has grabbed the aisle seats- they don’t want to sit next to a stragner so they leave a space in the middle. Also the middle seat always feels more cramped as you have someones elbow on each arm rest either side. So we all grab the outsides in the vain hope the plane will be quiet and no one will want the middle seat….. but they always do, so the people in the outside need to stand up and let someone in the middle. Now I can sort of understand this bit- I hate the middle seat you get jammed in and feel squashed up. But why not simply allocate seat numbers or board by rows? My God its not difficult nor any more time consuming than this shambles! And then you finally discover that not only do you have a really cramped seat but also on the latest Airbuses operated by Squeezy Jet they did not buy the reclining seat options for passenger seats, so your fixed in an unnaturally cramped upright postion for the whole journey…… ARGGGHHHHH!

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