The site replaces a previous version which did not fully reflect the products and services PCS offer. We have worked closely with them to provide a better site which describes more fully the services in power generation to  power generating companies, generator firms and big service critical industries like telecommunications and datacentres inthe financial sector. They also work offshore both on fixed installations and ships, especially inthe Oil Sector.

The new website descibes a number of projects they have worked on globally as well as explaining information about the solutions and field services they offer using integrated control systems and components from companies like ComAp and GAC.

In building their site we used php, and some AJAX and jQuery components to provide a pleasing and simple design.

We hope the website is a success for PCS and look forward to working with them again in the future.

It was probably inadvertantly installed by my client by clicking on one of thos warning boxes that splash up in some browser windows warning you you have an infected machine- the box looks very like a windows error but its actually not.

An article in PC Pro recently was saying this type of malware is serviced by Russian Mafia types as a way to effectively extort sums from web users by installing their dodgy AV software which then watches their internet history recoding Credit card numbers etc and relaying to the ” mother ship”.

The PC was installed with F Secure 2010 AV but the damage was done probably byt he client authorising the install unwittingly. F Secure could detect the system modification attempt by a service effectively a random string name. But it could not detect the virus it seemed nor stop its troublesome attempts to scare the user.

It did a number of bad things.

1) It kept warning that it had detected an intrusion attempt- funny as when I had the machine it was not even connected to the internet- worth a test if you ever see such a warning- disconnect and see if it persists. I always disconnect any infected machines when I am awar eof them and recommend you do too.

2)It kept flagging up spurious process crashes.

3) It disabled access to services.msc- the control panel services applet and taskmgr.exe (so you could neither id or disable it by conventional means)

4) Once you opened a IE8 browser window it went mental – constant alerts resulting in many red shields inthe system tray, and sometimes a Windows AV type window saying AntiSpyware Soft – click to purchase and enable- to sort tht eproblem. of course you would be mental to. It also sent the web browser to dodgy websites like p*rno.com and vi*gra.com (and probably others) Heightening the fear factor or the client!

5) I did a bit research onthe web (as you do and the best info i found was on www.spywareremove.com) It gae free, manual removal instructions which were spot on and worked a treat. I would say – you need to use Safe Mode to do the steps listed and be happy inthe registry. I found a couple of key s that differed from their instructions but they were easy to spot and I put it down to the variable behaviour of the malware)

6) With the files deleted its back t normal, but I have installed Google Chrome on the machine as its less susceptible to some of the aspects of such malware.

Becco: 355 West 46th Street. This is an Italian restaurant on the edge of the theatre district near Times Square. It is listed in the guide I have as a very cheap restaurant without wine and reasonable with. Its a very nice contemporary Italian restaurant and obviously popular as the place was packed out when we visited. The secret to a cheap dinner is to have the Chefs Pasta selection of the day. A starter- in our case we had the Caesar Salad, followed by three pasta dishes served by the waiters from huge big platters of freshly made dishes, and they come round again and again so you can have as much as you like.

We had, Penne in a tomato sauce, which was very nice and fresh tasting, a tagliatelle with a meat sauce- I would hesistate to call it Bolognese but not unlike this, it was OK any my favourite which was spinach and ricotta ravioli. I actually don’t like spiniach but this was wonderful. I think it came to about $30 a head, with water plus a tip on top- and I would very much recommend it. I had a brief look at the wine list, and am not much of a wine drinker but it struck me a expensive but if I am told it isn’t then I would not argue- I know nothing about wine really. Some bottles were several $100 each! Beer too looked a bit pricey too by my standards- I usually like a nice Peroni in an italian restaurant but the beers were al (from memory ) around $10 to $15 a bottle and not types I was familiar with- so I gave it a miss. Service was excellent- Highly recommended.

5 Napkin Burger: 630 9th Avenue and 45th Street. This is an “American eatery” which specialises in their trademark “5 Napkin Burger”.  They have other things on the menu too but this seems to be the favourite amongst the diners at the other tables and was what  had. Absolutely first rate, one of the nicest burgers I have had and this was borne out by the packed tables,and the wait of The restaurant looks to be a converted butcher shop so the squeamish maybe would not want to look up at the meat hooks on rails hanging from the dimly lit ceiling!15 minutes you had for a table.

Again reasonably priced, they do steaks and stuff- my wife and son had this, and they were a bit fatty, but the burger is the reason to visit and I thought it was good.  I don’t understand what the significance of the name is though! Around $20-$30 a head, recommended.

Pizza!

While In New York we went on a Pizza Tour with Scotts Pizza Tours. This is a very well regarded tour of “original” pizza establishments, deli’s and other places all bound up in the story of New York Pizza.  I would highly recommend this tour as a way to spend a few entertaining hours in areas of the city you might otherwise miss. Loads of stories and info you never needed to know about pizza. You will never look at a pizza the same way ever again! On our particular tour we visited for a “slice” these three places:

Lombardi’s : (32 Spring Street) the oldest pizzeria in NYC. Very traditional oven cooked pizzas, we never visited here for a mean – just a slice on Scotts tour but I would definitely go back. My Wife’s favourite. Uses Fresh Mozarrella which we seen made on the tour.

Joes Pizzas (7  Carmine Street) : This has a sit in area but is more of a take away type establishment and the pizza was nice. Very crispy based pizza.

John’s of Bleeker Street: Highly recommended, out of the three my son and I liked this best. We went back their on our last evening in NY and it was queued out down the street. It only sells pizza though really, so the queue moves fairly quickly- we queued about 25 minutes but once in the pizza was excellent, large and cheap! Very authentic and very recommended.

This area generally looks good for eating out- lots of nice looking restaurants away from the tourist traps.

Maxies Deli : (Times Square): Now I have to say first that I have seen some poor reviews of this place  on the web but we just sort of stumbled into it on our first day in NY. Some places say its a bit of a tourist trap- maybe it is- it was not obvious to me but to be honest we enjoyed it- all the portions were enormous and frankly not the sort of things I would normally eat for breakfast but it was fun and we had no complaints. A bit pricey but to be honest eat breakfast here and your not going to eat until night time. I had croissant with Bacon and cheese and the biggest croissant I have ever seen arrived along with I reckon a whole half pound block of cheese melted over the top! It easily feeds two.

A glass of fresh orange seemed like most of a carton of Tropicana!

We enjoyed it- our breakfast came to about $50 (ulp!) but your on holiday and we never left hungry- we only went twice- on our first day and our last morning before the flight home (it kept us goig 24 hours).

They say leave the best until last and this was by far our favourite:

Frankie and Johnnies Steakhouse (West 45th Street): I was told about this place by a work colleague before we went and kept our eyes open for it. Its a little tricky to spot as the restaurant is up stairs but the entrance is quite small and looks like a bar from outside. The restaurant is ery small and cosy, it has a “Speak Easy” type mood and the waiters all wear black jackets and bow ties. (Its not a “formal” restaurant though so no worries about dressing up to go). The menu is not long – its a steakhouse and I was recommended by my friend to have the porterhouse steak for 2. My son had a sirloin. I have never in my whole life had a steak this size and the taste was simply out of this world. The best I have ever had. We had a few side orders, onios, brocolli and potatoes but had I ate the steak alone I would have been satisfied – the flavour was amazing. I cannot speak highly enough of this place. The waiter was very friendly and chatted away for ages- a New Yorker of Greek beginnings, and as we paid he brought us out a huge slice of new York Cheesecake and three forks saying “this is New York you cannot leave with out a slice of cheesecake”!

The dinner was not cheap- in total with service charge (included in bill) it was $205 but I would have to go back if I am ever fortunate enough to visit New York again.

Places to avoid: We were not in many places we would not recommend but a few that were not great:

TGI Fridays in Times Square: My son wanted to go here- we go to TGI’s here as a treat- its marketted as a trendy American eatery here whereas in the US its more like a glorified MacDonalds in my opinion. It wasn’t actually “bad” but nothing to rave about and probably would not go back- some of the staff were quite “off hand” as is the way with some New Yorkers I found.

Applebees 42nd Street. This was right next to our hotel and we went in one morning just for a change- very strong coffee (Cawfee!) and juice was freshly poured out of a cheap carton I suspect! Cheap and free wifi which was sort of the reason we went in! There was another Applebees in Time Square around 46th or 47th Street that was more of a diner/sports bar and we went in here a few times for a drink to rest our weary legs,  in the lounge bar area- think they call it the club bar, as it was somewhere we could go with our son in tow and in fairness it was OK and we even had a steak sandwich here one night and I have to say I enjoyed it! I think this place is maybe a chain but its not one I am familiar with.

Nonetheless- I am always fast to comment on airlines and how crap they are, especially Ryanair (Dick Turpin airways)  and Squeezyjet (cattle flights). However I am recently just back from a trip to New York and we went with KLM. I have flown with them before but the service was sort of non descript and anonymous if I am honest- I went to Warsaw that time via Schipol. It was OK  nothing good especially nothing bad. This trip was the first time I had a chance to experience their long haul service. We went Edinburgh, Amsterdam- JFK (737 then 777, outbound) and the reverse back, (747, Airbus, back). I have to say I was impressed. The Amsterdam, JFK was especially good, service was excellent, entertainment on board just made the hours vanish- they have these seat back videos but you can watch any film when it suits you so its not like a running schedule. Food was fine for an airline meal, you could have all the drink you wanted and we even had ice cream about 3/4 the way through. The flight crew were helpful and friendly and all in all it was the best long haul I have done.

The return was Ok too, it was about an hour shorter in length (the old east/west v west/east thing) and I had no complaints. Being a 747 it was a bit noisier back in Cattle class- but thats just the way 747s are, – had the same in BA’s in the past.

Would definitely use them again, OK it was a bit of a longer journey than the direct Continental flights out of Edinburgh but hey- it was about £500 cheaper too (we booked via Expedia) and in my book the travelling day ia a dead loss anyway by the time you arrive, get through immigration, get bags and in to your hotel.

I need to update the SPRY based multi level search tute, and a few other bits and bobs.

For now if you like an occasional blast away at like minded individuals on xbox or pc you might have ben slogging away through Modern Warfare 2 for the last few months. Some players get to Prestige 10  legitimately apparently- gawd knows how. Anyway no doubt they ar enow slopig over to BF Bad Company2. Had a go onthe Xbox of this- single player was OK but the multiplayer left me cold- think it might be better on PC- I tried xbox. Anyways here is a review!

Bluestone online also stock Apple computer items, as well as ipod touch, nano, classic and shuffle and iphone items  and accessories.

For the road warrior there are a range of useful in car devices, 3G dongles chargers and adaptor cards and dongles.

Give Bluestone  Online  a visit at their new eshop at  http://www.bluestone-online.com.

Deleivery is very fast- I know ‘cos I have bought stuff and its very quick, but better still its free!

Pay Bluestone-online a visit for your digital lifestyle needs.

Users of the Clickcart Pro/ Eurocart Pro v7 eshop application by Kryptronic Inc have the option to buy a mod (Xmod) called HDSEO or High Definition Search Engine Optimisation.

The purpose of the Xmod is to generate user friendly readable links for your urls in your shop- turning some dynamically generated url string with lot sof parameters into something that would be instantly recogniseable as a product or category for the user – or more importantly for a search engine.

There is a half way house option as standard with the shop application that generates reasonably short and identifiable links, but they are not meaningfull to search engines. Hence this tool. Whether there is any value in readable links is open to debate but on balance its probably better to have than not.

The way the system is implemented in CCP/ECPv7 is not that straightforward in my opinion especially for the user who is not terribly web /computer literate and causes a lot of problems. Even for someone with a bit of knowledge its not easy and is very very time consuming.

HDSEO is a two stage process: first you need to write your rewrite rules in Mod-rewrite syntax into a .htaccess file. This then needs to be uploaded onto the webserver into the directory that hosts the eshop.

Second you need to then tell the application about these rewritten links by adding them into the database. When the xmod is purchased a new table is written in the shop database to accomodate these links. Every time you add new products or categories to your eshop you need to update these HDSEO links. This might involve locating and editing existing links inthe database and inthe .htaccess file.

Doing this manually is very time consuming and as I sussed out how to get this working for a client I decided also to write a script to automate the process, so when the catalogue was updated the HDSEO could also be updated too. I have gone beyond this and further optimised the code and the access to the script so that it runs as a reasonably user friendly tool.

When to use the tool

Everytime you add or remove products or categories to your eshop database this tool should be run. It only takes a few moments and will ensure all your links are up to date at all times.

What does the tool do

The tool examines the database of your eshop category and product items and creates user readable links out of your name fields.

1) Stage one generates the .htaccess data, and dumps it to screen where you can either cut and paste it straight into a file called .htaccess and load to your webserver, or optionally download as a text file called htaccess.txt. You then rename this file .htaccess and load onto your webserver.

2) Stage two generates generates the MySQL commands needed to first of all delete all your old HDSEO data and then replace it with new data matching your .htaccess. You can dump the commands to screen for manual input into your database via a database admin tool like Navicat or PHPMyAdmin, or optionally you can have the tool do the updates for you – it takes a matter of seconds.

Limitations

The tool has limitations and you should be aware of them. If you beleive you would be affected by them then do not use the tool. You may wish to consider restructuring your database data before using this tool in view of the limitations.

• Unique data: It relies on your category and product name data being unique in your database. If you have identically names products or categories and products with the same names the script output will generate links with the same names. This will cause you problems as the server will use the first found item inthe .htaccess when you click on an affected link.

Structuring your data with unique names will sort this. For example: having a category called Sony TV’s and then giving each TV a name like Sony Bravia 40, Sony Bravia 48 will be far more effective than having a category called Sony TV and a product called Sony TV.

The default queries this tool uses can be adapted by you with only limited knowledge of MySQL syntax so if you know you have duplicates but still want the convenience of using this tool, you may be able to apply some filters to the sql to achieve this. Using a DISTINCT Select query will achieve this but may be too coarse an option unless you understand how this functions.

• Spaces: Spaces should not be used on urls either in files or in links. yes urlencoded spaces can be used but they are not efficient for SEO purposes. The tool allows you to substitute spaces for either the underscore, the dash or no space at all. Ensure your database and .htaccess file match in this regard!

• Eshops not in the root of a webserver/domain. The script has not been fully tested in  a non root environment- as I don’t have a shop in this configuration to try it on. If yours is, it should be OK but you are advised to proceed with caution initially. Anyone using the script like this would be asked toreport back her ein case there ar echanges I can make to cope with this if there are unforseen issues.

• Security: This tool is not integrated directly in CCP/ECP v7. It does however require access to the shop database. It does this using settings you provide to the connection script in the htaccessory.php file. When you extract the contents of this tool, they will be in a directory called “tools”. Upload this entire directory to your webserver. You should now secure this directory using an .htaccess file for this directory. Your isp/hosting provider will normally provide you with a tool in your control panel which allows you to password protect any chosen directory. You MUST do this or your HDSEO will be subject to compromise by anyone who learns of its location. You can if you so desire rename the directory from tools to anything you like. This .htaccess file is not related to the one used by  the eshop which will be located one level above the tools directory in the the file structure.

If you are especially paranoid, consider loading the tool onto and off the server whenever you need it. Your choice.

• Setting up: Once the files are securely located on your webserver you will need to edit the htaccessory.php file to contain your database connection data. Without this the script will not function. Details are included in the file. You should use a suitable text editor to achieve this. Take care opening thse files in Dreamweaver as it has a nasty habit with changing some form parameters without telling you due to the Spry /javascript used within.
• Use of these tools: The use of these tools is entirely up to you. They were developed for use in my own development work but I have decided to make them available as a service to the CCP/ECP v7 userbase as HDSEO seems to be a major bugbear for user problems. if you already have HDSEO set up and intend to use this tool going forward, MAKE BACKUPS OF BOTH YOUR HDSEO TABLE IN YOUR DATABASE, AND YOUR CURRENT .htaccess FILE.. Being able to get your shop back working if you break your links with this tool is entirely your responsibility. These scripts work perfectly in my hosting environment, they may not in yours!
• The tools come with ABSOLUTELY NO WARRANTY INFERRED OR IMPLIED, consider this before you download the tool, download infers acceptance of this fact. I will provide support to users of the tool when I can, I am not available 24 hours a day and have other tasks to undertake.
• You are free to modify the tool as you see fit, if you do please ensure you keep the existing credits in place and notify this website of your improvements. The code is released under a GPL you may adapt or modify as you see fit but it is not for resale.

Installation

Installation is easy with basic web knowledge:

1. Extract the files to your hard drive, maintining the directory structure
2. Upload the files in their directory structure to the same directory as is used by your eshop
3. Password protect this directory using an .htaccess file
4. download the htaccessory file to your drive, open in a text editor and insert your database connection parameters where specified near the top of the file
5. If necessary you may wish to fine tune the SQL used to access your category and products data. Once done, save the file and upload to the server again
6. Server Requirements: Should be OK in any php5.x environment but has only been developed on php v5.2 so thats all I am willing to state. Feel free to try it elsewhere though
7. Your php installation must be set up with mysqli support (no longer a default option). Most New ECP/CCPv7 installations I would expect to be running mysqli.
8. You DO NOT have to run this on the server your shop inhabits. In fact you do not need a shop installation on your test server either!. If you have a copy of WAMP or Linux running a webserver locally with php v5.2 you can copy over the database tables from your shop (the ecom_cat and ecom_prod are the two main ones- the cms one is optional really). The script can be run on this database and then the output loaded to your live environment. Auto database updating might not be possible in this configuration so you may need to enter the database data via phpMyAdmin or similar.

Using the tool

Do this at a quiet time for your eshop

1. Back up your existing .htaccess file for your eshop HDSEO if any and also your database HDSEO data, so you can restore to where you came from  if this all goes wrong.
2. Access the tool by going to http://<type your domain>/tools/menu.php
3. Follow the link to the HDSEO tool.
4. Edit the parameters on the .htacccess configuration tab
5. Edit in any custom rules that you use in your existing .htaccess file
6. Choose to either display on screen (default) or download the output as a text file- first time recommended to dump to screen
7. In your browser, select all the screen contents and copy to a new .htaccess file on your hard drive. If you chose to download a file instead the file will be called htaccess.txt. Rename this to .htaccess and upload directly to your server.
8. Upload this file to the directory containing your eshop, overwrite the old one if necessary.
9. Click the back button in your browser and return to the .htaccess configuration screen.
10. Select the database configuration screen. Fill in the details required ensuring the space character matches the one you chose before.
11. The first time you run this its recommended you dump to screen and copy the data again this time applying it via a database admin tool like phpmyadmin ( hosting providers usually provide such a tool for direct database management) Note. the first command is a truncate statement- this erases all the existing data in your HDSEO table- YOU MUST remove all old data or your results will be poor at best.
12. Once you are confident of whats going on select the database update option and the tool will do all database changes automatically

I hope you find this tool useful. Please feel free to post any comments you have here, I will be happy to answer any queries when I can.

Release data:

Initial release:

v1.5
v1.5.1 (minor additions to illegal characters array that were dropped off in release build)
v1.5.2 (removed inproper access message which showed in form when loading accessory script )

Latest version:v1.5.3 : IMPORTANT CORRECTION: Corrected a small but significant error with .htaccess file creation which potentially could stop your server from loading. Ensure you upgrade to the v1.5.3 version.

tools.zip

One thing you really need to get this working is Ajax. You don’t want to be having full page reloads as each selection is made, wouldn’t it be cool to just update the next selection box?

Now no doubt there are many ways to skin a cat but to be honest

1)There are few (if any) out the box scripts on the web to do this that I could find

2) I am a great believer in not reinventing the wheel and KISS (Keep it Simple Stupid!)

3)Most purely javascript scripts I could find “cheated” in that they pulled down a predefined list of data to the browser and used client based scripts to sort and filter it. This is Ok I suppose in a static environment but its not terribly flexible for a dynamically driven site, and if you have a lot of data to be sorted, as potentially I do in my project,you are dumping the whole list for the user to ultimately choose one item. Better to send only whats needed.

For this reason, and for the reason that its handy and available in DW4 as it comes out the box, I decided to use Adobe’s Spry Javascript Framework. DW4 is a pretty expensive package but there is a free trial version for 30 days use if you want to use this, or if you are a student you can get the package (for non commercial use ) for much cheapness- relative to what it costs me!!!

There are a few frameworks out there, Spry, jQuery, Scriptaculous, prototype, but for me Spry was most accessible  as fundamentally I am a non Javascript developer and I have some experience of its use through other projects.

If you don’t have Spry now and you want to follow along, go to Adobe’s website and download the files. In DW4, it loads up the files you need as you use each function, but if you are not using DW4, feel free to dump the whole package on your server in some folder.

For this example I will use a directory called /spry but it can be anything you want.

If you are bandwidth constrained, you can get a minified version of the files too, this reduces the amount of code being sent to the browser, it does not make much odds on a quiet website, but in a busy case it might save you considerable bandwidth fees down the line.

So with the basis of this project set before you, get the bits you need here and next time I will show how I got the multi level search started.

My assumption is you know a little php to run a database query and know how to get that out the database into xml format. For this project i will be using static xml files.

I thought e tickets and self service check in’s were supposed to be the way to allow you to check in quickly. Not with Air France its not!

Was at Charles D’Gaulle transferring from a flight from Krakow to Edinburgh and as they were two different airlines ( LOT then Air France) needed to get bags and check in with AF.

Went to the appointed check in area (looked like a terminal 5 lookalike sort of place, maybe new and found the check in area. There were some check in machines somewhat like the standard ones you see in UK. Checked in without problem then was sent to the baggage drop area.

Now the airport was not busy (IMO) and the bag drop area was quiet, in fact myself and some travel colleagues were second in the queue, but we waited and waited and waited, and the queue grew longer and longer. There was only one baggage check in woman there and it seemed she was taking a lifetime to get peoples bags onto the system.

Eventually- and I mean like 20 minutes later, she called one of my colleagues forward, we were all heading to different end destinations so there was no point in confusing the issue by all checking in at once.

Just as the last of them checked in and it was my turn, I went forward and handed over my boarding pass. There was a look of consternation on the lady’s face and she started hitting the machine that issues the baggage tags. A few opens and closes of the lid, she said something to her neighbouring colleague in French then she says, sorry machine is broken wait here and when my colleague is free she will serve you. The other lady was doing the AF passenger with frequent flier status – the posh queue.

Lady number one picks up her stuff and leaves- leaving everyone and the queue, and me at the desk.

So now we have two queues growing. Why she could not simply move to another desk I don’t know there were loads free.

So I wait and wait, this time there were three English women (looked like very ex footballers wives and their granny) one of whom had obviously asked for assistance to the plane. Dunno why they all looked well enough to walk, I sometimes think this is a scam to get the party on the plane ahead of the queues, but maybe I am just cynical.

Anyway it came to a question about do you want to go into departures now or wait until half two and come back and someone will help you with the wheel chair.

Hmm lets seeeeeeeeeeee ……….. 5 minutes thinking about it………… hmm maybe we will come back…………… hmmmm 5 minutes discussing, the queue is getting longer…………….. and longer…………….. hmm maybe we will go through now…………….. hmmmmm …… longer………… We will………. hmmm .. maybe phone a fekking friend??????

This was mental, I was getting well hacked off and the two queues, scum (like me) and WAGs, like them , sort of were now easily 30-40 people long each.

They made their choice eventually and wandered away- I saw no need for a wheel chair.

So she says, OK I will take you now, I stepped to the front of the desk and put my bag on the weighing machine- “please remove the bag from the machine I am still dealing with the previous customer”, I whispered an oath under my breath, but not under my breath enough cos she heard me and started to take a strop at me, so I apologised, blaming my frustration, after all I had only been waiting about 40 minutes to check in a bag (from near enough the front of the queue)

She calms down and does my bags- have to be honest I expected it to be sent o Azerbaijan or somewhere! One of my colleagues bags though was still stuck on the conveyor of the first desk, having been left there by the first lady who cleared off, so I asked the second lady to move it ontot he main conveyor, after all it could get lost, she was not happy, but she did it …. what a bunch of trolls……

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen will be provided, a mask like this will fall from the panel above, pull it to your face  and by doing so the oxygen supply will be activated. Secure your mask before helping others with theirs….” You know the bit?

Anyway it occurred to me that with Easyjet, Ryanair and no doubt others looking for more ways to extract revenue from their passengers a new ploy could be forthcoming. Don’t forget that many “pleasures” you used to take for granted are now no longer free… they are subject to you paying extra.

• If you fancy queuing longer- pay extra to stand near the front for half an hour before the flight is called : speedy boarding

• If you want something to eat on board, the “easy kisok” will come round offering you food and drink- please have the correct change

• If you want to take a bag with you (as if!) eh, that will be a tenner please…. each way….

• If you want to have a pee, em a pound (Ryanair- well at least they were threatening this- dunno if they did it as I would rather piss on their seat than give them anything more quite frankly- Dick Turpin and all that.)

• If youwant to pay on line with a credit card (no- I would rather pay cash- how do I do that?) there will be a credit card charge…..

• Feeling lucky- buy an easyjet scratch card and win a notional £20 to spend in the easy shop, where the cheapest item is £21, (obviously this entails you spending a £1 on the scratch card, then spening more money to extract the value for the prize- money you would otherwise never have spent) Why on earth woul dyou want to buy a platic orange airbus jet model, or a bear in a flying jacket……

You get the picture…..

Anyway how about this one

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen may be provided, a mask like this will fall from the panel above, pull it to your face .  Easy card plus holders will continue to breathe reasonably normally. The cabin crew will come around to  assist, and will offer to actually turn on the oxygen supply for a mere £15.

You  are reminded by prebooking you can save ££££’s. Prebooking your oxygen supply will only cost you £5 or £7 return.

Why not purchase easy breathing plus our annual oxygen supply card for only £100.

Customers choosing not to purchase our oxygen plan, em, might hallucinate wildly, and ultimately , em,….. die.

Please be aware Easyjet operate a no dying policy, passengers so doing will be refused carriage and may be evacuated from the aircraft over the first stretch of open water we encounter. Please  make sure you are wearing clothing that is unlikely to tear in the event of cabin crew having to lift you by it and throw you from the cargo hatch.

We do hope you have a pleasant flight………”