Nonetheless- I am always fast to comment on airlines and how crap they are, especially Ryanair (Dick Turpin airways)  and Squeezyjet (cattle flights). However I am recently just back from a trip to New York and we went with KLM. I have flown with them before but the service was sort of non descript and anonymous if I am honest- I went to Warsaw that time via Schipol. It was OK  nothing good especially nothing bad. This trip was the first time I had a chance to experience their long haul service. We went Edinburgh, Amsterdam- JFK (737 then 777, outbound) and the reverse back, (747, Airbus, back). I have to say I was impressed. The Amsterdam, JFK was especially good, service was excellent, entertainment on board just made the hours vanish- they have these seat back videos but you can watch any film when it suits you so its not like a running schedule. Food was fine for an airline meal, you could have all the drink you wanted and we even had ice cream about 3/4 the way through. The flight crew were helpful and friendly and all in all it was the best long haul I have done.

The return was Ok too, it was about an hour shorter in length (the old east/west v west/east thing) and I had no complaints. Being a 747 it was a bit noisier back in Cattle class- but thats just the way 747s are, – had the same in BA‘s in the past.

Would definitely use them again, OK it was a bit of a longer journey than the direct Continental flights out of Edinburgh but hey- it was about £500 cheaper too (we booked via Expedia) and in my book the travelling day ia a dead loss anyway by the time you arrive, get through immigration, get bags and in to your hotel.

I thought e tickets and self service check in’s were supposed to be the way to allow you to check in quickly. Not with Air France its not!

Was at Charles D’Gaulle transferring from a flight from Krakow to Edinburgh and as they were two different airlines ( LOT then Air France) needed to get bags and check in with AF.

Went to the appointed check in area (looked like a terminal 5 lookalike sort of place, maybe new and found the check in area. There were some check in machines somewhat like the standard ones you see in UK. Checked in without problem then was sent to the baggage drop area.

Now the airport was not busy (IMO) and the bag drop area was quiet, in fact myself and some travel colleagues were second in the queue, but we waited and waited and waited, and the queue grew longer and longer. There was only one baggage check in woman there and it seemed she was taking a lifetime to get peoples bags onto the system.

Eventually- and I mean like 20 minutes later, she called one of my colleagues forward, we were all heading to different end destinations so there was no point in confusing the issue by all checking in at once.

Just as the last of them checked in and it was my turn, I went forward and handed over my boarding pass. There was a look of consternation on the lady’s face and she started hitting the machine that issues the baggage tags. A few opens and closes of the lid, she said something to her neighbouring colleague in French then she says, sorry machine is broken wait here and when my colleague is free she will serve you. The other lady was doing the AF passenger with frequent flier status – the posh queue.

Lady number one picks up her stuff and leaves- leaving everyone and the queue, and me at the desk.

So now we have two queues growing. Why she could not simply move to another desk I don’t know there were loads free.

So I wait and wait, this time there were three English women (looked like very ex footballers wives and their granny) one of whom had obviously asked for assistance to the plane. Dunno why they all looked well enough to walk, I sometimes think this is a scam to get the party on the plane ahead of the queues, but maybe I am just cynical.

Anyway it came to a question about do you want to go into departures now or wait until half two and come back and someone will help you with the wheel chair.

Hmm lets seeeeeeeeeeee ……….. 5 minutes thinking about it………… hmm maybe we will come back…………… hmmmm 5 minutes discussing, the queue is getting longer…………….. and longer…………….. hmm maybe we will go through now…………….. hmmmmm …… longer………… We will………. hmmm .. maybe phone a fekking friend??????

This was mental, I was getting well hacked off and the two queues, scum (like me) and WAGs, like them , sort of were now easily 30-40 people long each.

They made their choice eventually and wandered away- I saw no need for a wheel chair.

So she says, OK I will take you now, I stepped to the front of the desk and put my bag on the weighing machine- “please remove the bag from the machine I am still dealing with the previous customer”, I whispered an oath under my breath, but not under my breath enough cos she heard me and started to take a strop at me, so I apologised, blaming my frustration, after all I had only been waiting about 40 minutes to check in a bag (from near enough the front of the queue)

She calms down and does my bags- have to be honest I expected it to be sent o Azerbaijan or somewhere! One of my colleagues bags though was still stuck on the conveyor of the first desk, having been left there by the first lady who cleared off, so I asked the second lady to move it ontot he main conveyor, after all it could get lost, she was not happy, but she did it …. what a bunch of trolls……

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen will be provided, a mask like this will fall from the panel above, pull it to your face  and by doing so the oxygen supply will be activated. Secure your mask before helping others with theirs….” You know the bit?

Anyway it occurred to me that with Easyjet, Ryanair and no doubt others looking for more ways to extract revenue from their passengers a new ploy could be forthcoming. Don’t forget that many “pleasures” you used to take for granted are now no longer free… they are subject to you paying extra.

• If you fancy queuing longer- pay extra to stand near the front for half an hour before the flight is called : speedy boarding

• If you want something to eat on board, the “easy kisok” will come round offering you food and drink- please have the correct change

• If you want to take a bag with you (as if!) eh, that will be a tenner please…. each way….

• If you want to have a pee, em a pound (Ryanair- well at least they were threatening this- dunno if they did it as I would rather piss on their seat than give them anything more quite frankly- Dick Turpin and all that.)

• If youwant to pay on line with a credit card (no- I would rather pay cash- how do I do that?) there will be a credit card charge…..

• Feeling lucky- buy an easyjet scratch card and win a notional £20 to spend in the easy shop, where the cheapest item is £21, (obviously this entails you spending a £1 on the scratch card, then spening more money to extract the value for the prize- money you would otherwise never have spent) Why on earth woul dyou want to buy a platic orange airbus jet model, or a bear in a flying jacket……

You get the picture…..

Anyway how about this one

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen may be provided, a mask like this will fall from the panel above, pull it to your face .  Easy card plus holders will continue to breathe reasonably normally. The cabin crew will come around to  assist, and will offer to actually turn on the oxygen supply for a mere £15.

You  are reminded by prebooking you can save ££££’s. Prebooking your oxygen supply will only cost you £5 or £7 return.

Why not purchase easy breathing plus our annual oxygen supply card for only £100.

Customers choosing not to purchase our oxygen plan, em, might hallucinate wildly, and ultimately , em,….. die.

Please be aware Easyjet operate a no dying policy, passengers so doing will be refused carriage and may be evacuated from the aircraft over the first stretch of open water we encounter. Please  make sure you are wearing clothing that is unlikely to tear in the event of cabin crew having to lift you by it and throw you from the cargo hatch.

We do hope you have a pleasant flight………”

While I was awaiting, said bag, a guy came in that I was sure I recognised but do you think I could recall his name. Then he was joined by Steve Cram- the former athlete. Fortunately they didn’t spot me so I never had any hassle having to sign autographs.

Anyway it continued to bug me for ages after who was the mystery celeb, all I could tell people was- I am sure he was on the Holiday program on the BBC occasionally as one of those guest celebs who goes on a free holiday at licence payers expense with his family. A few colleagues asked me what he did- that made hima celeb- and then it struck me- I had no idea at all! I knew he had an unusual name though…..

It was about 4 in the morning in bed when it came to me- he was Rowland Rivron- still could not have told you what he did though- just that he was “famous”- had to look it up on the web.

Anyway- on the way back came back through T5- check in was straightforward though have to say the signage round the place while not actually inaccurate is prone to taking you miles round the place – take the signs to the “South Lounge” (BA’s guest lounge) As you come though security its actually on your right but the signs tell you to go left- past all the upstairs shops, then down an escalator and then all the way back again to effectively where you came from a floor lower. Even once you get their its a bit of a maze to get in- you almost think they don’t want you there! Its worth persevering for though as its really rather nice- beats Squeezyjet travel any day of the week.

They even do hot meals and its really huge in the lounge itself- and all free (well in the price of a business class ticket).

An observation though about T5- it has to be the only shopping centre in the world that Aircarft pull up outside at! I have been to Dubai and its world famous duty free and some others- but T5 takes the biscuit for actually looking far mor elike a shopping mall than the rest, it has a Harrods, A Gordon Ramsey restaurant, PC World, Nokia shop, toname but a few- basically load sof high street names but it does not look like a duty free type airport shopping area- its really like a shopping mall.

Anyway was OK, and almost surprisingly my bags made it through to Edinburgh too.

Why then do about 100 others get up and start queuing at the gate? What possible advantage do they think they are going to get. I’ve seen them there 15 minutes before the flight is called. Everyone has a ticket with a boarding group ( Actually Easyjet’s entire boarding palavar just makes me sooo annoyed. I honestly can’t beleive this is better than giving everyone allocated seats. More later- I digress) , the groups used to be A,B,C and D but now I notice its A and B only. They have allowed for the first group now being “passengers who purchased ezy boarding”.

Easy Boarding!- what a bunch of muppets. Do you know I priced this for some flights I have to take with the family later in the the year-and it would have cost an extra £30 on the total cost of flights which were £130. Thats a cool 23% mark up – for what- so you can stand at the front of a queue- and queue longer! Half the time they use a bus to board the plane anyway so speedy boarding gets you precisely no where!

Anyway back to the queue- so you have 100 people crowding like a rugby scrum in front of the gate and then they say could people travelling with young children or needing more time please come to the gate. Next time I see a couple of middle aged adults with young Johnny (age 14 and 6 foot 7 tall) go to the front …. and get on, I am going to go tot he front too. When they question me about why I have pushed through I will let them know I am travelling with a virtual young child- just like Johnny’s Mum and Dad cos there is no way he qualifies!

The “infirm” too- I have no problem with old codgers who have to walk slow or can’t manage the stairs very well going up first but half of them that I see have just completed the veterans class in the London Marathon and are using their age as a VIP pass! Pay for Ezy Boarding you old buggerz!.

Then the moment comes- passengers with boarding group A please come to the gate- Half of the back of the queue surges forward because the knobs at the front are all in other boarding groups- but they are not allowed on yet. So now you have people who are allowed on trying to read other people who are in the queues boarding cards to see if they can overtake to get to the front- their now rightful place. I watched a fat lady stand at the front of the queue for a good 20 minutes the other day and she was to be one of the last to board. SIT DOWN YOU STUPID FAT BAG!

Finally the final part of the scrum ensues- everyone else comes forward. and proceed to get through the gate. Of course this is when high farce sets in, because the plane isn’t actually ready for boarding yet, or there is no bus to get you there. So everyone is simply queueing up outside.

You get to the front and they ask you for your ID. Now what exactly is this about? I fly all the time and the only people who do this are SqueezyJet. Why? I have a boarding card- LET ME ON! And now they ask you again between the gate door and the plane- usually there is some ground handling agent hiding between a couple of baggage trolleys carrying a Jobsworth clipboard, and they jump oit and ask you again. Its sooo annoying because you have usually just put it away so you are organised for tackling the final part of this pantomime- getting a seat!

So you get onto the plane, up the steps- more boarding pass chaos, and into the aisle of the plane.

Now practically everyone with EzyBoarding has grabbed a window seat, though theres usually loads left if your bothered. Everyone else who hasn’t got a window has grabbed the aisle seats- they don’t want to sit next to a stragner so they leave a space in the middle. Also the middle seat always feels more cramped as you have someones elbow on each arm rest either side. So we all grab the outsides in the vain hope the plane will be quiet and no one will want the middle seat….. but they always do, so the people in the outside need to stand up and let someone in the middle. Now I can sort of understand this bit- I hate the middle seat you get jammed in and feel squashed up. But why not simply allocate seat numbers or board by rows? My God its not difficult nor any more time consuming than this shambles! And then you finally discover that not only do you have a really cramped seat but also on the latest Airbuses operated by Squeezy Jet they did not buy the reclining seat options for passenger seats, so your fixed in an unnaturally cramped upright postion for the whole journey…… ARGGGHHHHH!

All these places are clustered in or around Naama Bay. Prices based on two adults and a child.

Pomodorro: An Italian eatery in the heart of Naama, part of the Camel Dive Club Hotel on the main street. Very popular, very busy, but very very nice, chic interior and a busy outside- eating outdoors in July can be a bit warm (was 26C at night and could be a very hot dry wind on occasions).However they have a water sprinkler thing outside to keep diners cool. There is air con inside (as there is everywhere). Food is Italian (obviously) pasta and pizza are both very nice. Very nice Lasagne with roasted vegetables on the side. Think we paid about £20 for three main courses with drinks and some side dishes.

TGI Fridays: Yep- you get them everywhere and Sharm is no different, same stuff as in UK basically, food was nice, burgers and chicken were both good and lots of it. Much cheaper than UK though. Starters, and main courses for three with two rounds of Non alchohoic cocktails and soft drinks for the kid, were £24! TGI’s was better than Hard Rock Cafe in my opinion though its very cold in the air-conditioned interior.

Hard Rock Cafe, Sharm: Again much the same as home with the exception of a very theme park type exterior that has loads of tourists taking snaps. Bar is very busy and prices are much as the UK for cocktails. We had to wait about 30 mins for a table but that is no problem when there are the screens and music to keep your attention. Food though again is much cheaper than UK and we had Main course and dessert with drinks (cocktails) and it came to £29.

Mexican Bar, Naama Bay Hotel: Just off the main street of Naama is the Naama Bay Hotel with a number of attached restaurants. The Mexican Bar is a mexican diner in the wild west stylee and was pretty good. Big Fajitas, Enchiladas etc. Nachos were nice. Margheritas were nice here too. About £27 for Main course and drinks (cocktails and soft drinks)

China House, Namma Bay Mall: Up on the roof, eating outside is OK here as it gets a bit of a breeze. Really nice Chinese food and plenty of it. Three main courses, with extra rices and kids food too plus drinks was £23. Recommended are the Lemon Chicken, Beef and Oyster Sauce and the Sweet and Sour Prawns. One observation all over Naama, maybe surprisingly, seafood is slightly more expensive in Sharm, especially shrimps and Lobster. Though still cheaper than UK.

India House: Next to China House- really nice Indian food, too much to eat to be honest, we had meals for two with nans and rice and it was only £16 with drinks.

Jolie Ville Hotel: Italian Restaurant: Accessed up an escalator from the top of the high street, this is a nice place to look out over the resort in the cool. Jolie Ville Hotel looks very nice and the restaurant is quite a classy affair though they don’t mind casual slobs like me either. Food is a bit more Nouvelle Cuisine, with huge plates and smaller portions, but none the less very nice. Think I had some sort of home made ravioli type thing with a cream sauce, it never looked much but was quite filling really. The garlic bread is done in the pizza oven and is very thin. The meal came to about £28 if I recall, pizzas seem to be popular there and are very nice.

Italian Restaurant : Hilton Fayrouz Village: Along the promenade at Naama, outdoor BBQ/Italian with freshly made pizza, and pasta, all you can eat salads and deserts. The Pizzas  and pasta were excellent- all made to order and preference. Again pretty cheap, Two courses for three with drinks was about £27 ( and if staying there kids eat free).

To be frank this is probably just scratching the surface of the good places you could try. Amongst some of the others which may be of interest are:

Little Buddah: This is a popular eatery/night club right in the centre opposite Hard Rock. They seemed to specialise in Sushi but I suspect there is more to it than this. Probably an adult preference as its a bit more sophisticated looking.

On Deck. Heard some good reports for this place. Its a restaurant on the end of a boardwalk on the seas edge at the Lido Hotel. This is the hotel right at the end of the Naama Bay area behind the Police post  at the turning point outside the Naama Bay Hotel. Its about 10 minutes walk from the Area of TGI Fridays/Hard Rock- towards the sea, past the casino. It seems a fairly up market place but we heard of a fixed price menu there. When we took a look it wasn’t offered and prices were relatively steep (compared to local prices- fair by home standards) and food looked to be of a high standard- Lobster, steaks etc.

Hope this post proves useful to anyone heading to Sharm. Enjoy.

Why?

What possible benefit do these to$$ers really think its going to give them? What is the point? Do they think half the plane is going to come over and say- wow your really cool. Cos the other half is just as likely to say- look at that knob in a Celtic/ Rangers strip- because they support the other team.

Do they think that they will get less hassle from taxis/baggage handlers by wearing one. “Sir sir, I will take your baggage, I speak very very good hinglish- , Me Celtic/ Me Rangers, very good friend, very good for tourist…..”

Honestly- have they nothing else in their wardrobe? Do they have clothes like Shaggy- only a load of green shirts and brown trousers except in this case- Celtic or Rangers shirts- probably one for each year.

Do they want to offend someone in the check in queue by wearing a shirt they know a sizeable percentage of the other passengers will hate? If you want to offend people do it right- by flying from Edinburgh when you come from Glasgow- or vice versa and wearing a shirt that says- East Coasters are all Gay. At least you will have a consistent result. Everyone will hate you!

Get a life