Halleynet Headspace

Posts Tagged ‘travel’

Flying back home on Squeezyjet the other week there, I was listening to the cabin crew do their usual safety speil (as you do) and they got to the section where they say:

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen will be provided, a mask like this will fall from the panel above, pull it to your face  and by doing so the oxygen supply will be activated. Secure your mask before helping others with theirs….” You know the bit?

Anyway it occurred to me that with Easyjet, Ryanair and no doubt others looking for more ways to extract revenue from their passengers a new ploy could be forthcoming. Don’t forget that many “pleasures” you used to take for granted are now no longer free… they are subject to you paying extra.

• If you fancy queuing longer- pay extra to stand near the front for half an hour before the flight is called : speedy boarding

• If you want something to eat on board, the “easy kisok” will come round offering you food and drink- please have the correct change

• If you want to take a bag with you (as if!) eh, that will be a tenner please…. each way….

• If you want to have a pee, em a pound (Ryanair- well at least they were threatening this- dunno if they did it as I would rather piss on their seat than give them anything more quite frankly- Dick Turpin and all that.)

• If youwant to pay on line with a credit card (no- I would rather pay cash- how do I do that?) there will be a credit card charge…..

• Feeling lucky- buy an easyjet scratch card and win a notional £20 to spend in the easy shop, where the cheapest item is £21, (obviously this entails you spending a £1 on the scratch card, then spening more money to extract the value for the prize- money you would otherwise never have spent) Why on earth woul dyou want to buy a platic orange airbus jet model, or a bear in a flying jacket……

You get the picture…..

Anyway how about this one

“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen may be provided, a mask like this will fall from the panel above, pull it to your face .  Easy card plus holders will continue to breathe reasonably normally. The cabin crew will come around to  assist, and will offer to actually turn on the oxygen supply for a mere £15.

You  are reminded by prebooking you can save ££££’s. Prebooking your oxygen supply will only cost you £5 or £7 return.

Why not purchase easy breathing plus our annual oxygen supply card for only £100.

Customers choosing not to purchase our oxygen plan, em, might hallucinate wildly, and ultimately , em,….. die.

Please be aware Easyjet operate a no dying policy, passengers so doing will be refused carriage and may be evacuated from the aircraft over the first stretch of open water we encounter. Please  make sure you are wearing clothing that is unlikely to tear in the event of cabin crew having to lift you by it and throw you from the cargo hatch.

We do hope you have a pleasant flight………”

Made it through T5 at Heathrow fairly uneventfully this week, going down to London it was very slow getting bags- even though it seemed very quiet in the terminal and the bags only had to come about 100 metres- I could see the plane outside the window to the baggage hall- but at least it arrived.

While I was awaiting, said bag, a guy came in that I was sure I recognised but do you think I could recall his name. Then he was joined by Steve Cram- the former athlete. Fortunately they didn’t spot me so I never had any hassle having to sign autographs.

Anyway it continued to bug me for ages after who was the mystery celeb, all I could tell people was- I am sure he was on the Holiday program on the BBC occasionally as one of those guest celebs who goes on a free holiday at licence payers expense with his family. A few colleagues asked me what he did- that made hima celeb- and then it struck me- I had no idea at all! I knew he had an unusual name though…..

It was about 4 in the morning in bed when it came to me- he was Rowland Rivron- still could not have told you what he did though- just that he was “famous”- had to look it up on the web.

Anyway- on the way back came back through T5- check in was straightforward though have to say the signage round the place while not actually inaccurate is prone to taking you miles round the place – take the signs to the “South Lounge” (BA’s guest lounge) As you come though security its actually on your right but the signs tell you to go left- past all the upstairs shops, then down an escalator and then all the way back again to effectively where you came from a floor lower. Even once you get their its a bit of a maze to get in- you almost think they don’t want you there! Its worth persevering for though as its really rather nice- beats Squeezyjet travel any day of the week.

They even do hot meals and its really huge in the lounge itself- and all free (well in the price of a business class ticket).

An observation though about T5- it has to be the only shopping centre in the world that Aircarft pull up outside at! I have been to Dubai and its world famous duty free and some others- but T5 takes the biscuit for actually looking far mor elike a shopping mall than the rest, it has a Harrods, A Gordon Ramsey restaurant, PC World, Nokia shop, toname but a few- basically load sof high street names but it does not look like a duty free type airport shopping area- its really like a shopping mall.

Anyway was OK, and almost surprisingly my bags made it through to Edinburgh too.